Back Then

Most of the time, when I lament our choice to have children, I think about how stupid I was not enjoy the time before kids.

I was 28 when Bailey was born.  Her birthday is 8 day after my birthday, so I spent most of my 27th year pregnant.  So from 1997 when I graduated high school and started my adult journey until I was 27 in 2006, I had all the time and sleep I could ever need.  I had the space to balance the competing demands in my life - school, money and working, falling in love, partying, being a friend - these things had room to exist and I had the energy to balance it all without too much drama.  

And the whole entire time, I was aching for the life that I have now.  It all had a purpose then - it was toward this.  A suburban home with Kelly, two or three children (we called them Gabe and Maddie back then), a dog at some point.  The details were not defined, of course.  I had no idea what I would be doing or any of that.  From almost the beginning, though, we knew that Kelly would work in Accounting and that she would always work.  We tossed around other ideas through the years (business schools after college, law school or something like that), but in the end, it was pretty obvious that Kelly wanted to just start working and making her career.  What I was going to be and do was still very much in flux.  

Anyway - got sidetracked.  Back then, Kelly used to get up at 8ish on the weekends.  I'd have been up for hours, cleaning and grocery shopping.  We'd eat breakfast and go out on adventures.  Shopping, hiking, looking at model homes.  We'd grab Starbucks and spend an afternoon bouncing around furniture stores, planning the rooms in our someday home.  Or another favorite was to pick a topic and then go explore bookstores until we found the book that we thought best represented us in regards to that topic.  We ended up with these crazy awesome books and we'd read them together.

And the whole time, I was always focused on getting to these years.  

Now, I don't necessarily think that's the wrong thing for me to have done then.  It's just what I did.  No judgement.  But my current self wants to go back and throttle that 20-something version of me.  I'd tell her to slow the fuck down, breathe a bit more, give a shit about the image a bit less.  I'd make her spend entire days just relishing the freedom and not thinking about the future.  I'd make her have more fun - to truly live.  I'd spend more money on travelling and I'd wait just a few more years to buy a home and start it all.  

I don't think the path Kelly and I have followed is bad.  Far from that.  I love our life, I'm proud of what we've created together.  I wouldn't change it, really, if I ever had the opportunity.  I'd never change Bailey and Connor.  

I just have more information now than I had then and the simple ease of life back then looks really fucking good.