Bringing Sexy Back

I've been in a slump for 2 years.  The first few years of being a stay at home Momma were about transition and fucking WORK!  Connor was just shy of a year old and Bailey was nearly 3 when I left my job.  If you've ever spent time with kids that age, 24/7 without a break, you know that you work  your ass off.  It was constant, demanding and so different from the lifestyle of being an office worker.  SAHM's don't have things like projects with real deadlines and goals.  There is almost never a point where you have a final outcome.  It's just a matter of managing a constant stream of needs - theirs and yours.  

It took me a while, but I eventually learned this job and it was at that point that I started to become stagnant.  I had reached the point where I could add something - where I needed to add something - but my children were still young and, even though Bailey had started PreK, I didn't have any time.  I still had Connor full time and Bailey was still here, except for 3 hours a day.  

I've needed something for a long time.  Needed a bit of space to focus on me.  A bit of room in my life where I get to decide who I want to be, unfettered by the requirements of raising children 24/7.  At the beginning of this summer, I started the process of finding me again.  I had reached a point of no return - you know, where you can't keep moving along the same path because it no longer works, but you also have no idea where else to go.  I had decisions to make - either let myself sink into depression (a very real possibility) or move boldly into a new place in my mind and let that boldness guide me.

I think the best way to describe what's happened over the last couple of years is that I've completely lost my swagger.  I used to own my space - I found myself sexy and funny and worth spending time with.  I knew my worth.  The last couple of years, I've lost that.  I have become opaque and I'm on my way to invisible, which is absolutely unacceptable to me.  I don't care who notices me - this isn't about other people.  What I do care about is that I feel that way.  I can't stand feeling like I'm not worthy of swagger.  I want to walk into a room and know that I am projecting how good I feel and I want my confidence back.  

So here I am.  My first big decision made entirely for me was my decision to go to MichFest next year (and ever year after).  Over the summer, I've taken some steps in other directions - mostly in my ways of thinking.  I've spent time processing how I make my decisions and making sure that I'm taking myself into consideration.  I've relaxed some of my standards for myself and my home and given myself permission to relax a bit.  I've stopped pretending that I'm not going to party every now and then, and I've stopped apologizing for needing it.  

And last night, I dyed a part of my hair pink.  It was actually supposed to be purple...but it turned out pink because my hair is so dark.  Which is fine for me.  On Thursday, I'm getting a short, asymmetrical, a-line bob to go with my new color.  I want an edgy look - not a suburban mom look.  The next step will be getting rid of my glasses and my daily walking begins tomorrow.

Just taking these steps has brought back some of who I used to be.  Some of the things that made me feel like me.  I like feeling like I'm just outside of the norm, while knowing that my life is as normal as it comes.  I like for my external appearance to match the sassy, ballsy, drama-filled girl on the inside.  I love me and I'm finally taking some steps to find that part of me again.  I feel like jumping up and down and cheering for me.  I didn't get lost, I just lost touch with myself for a while.  But I'm back.  Full-on, all-in Mikki is back...and I can't wait to keep on this path and see where it takes me.