Appropriate

****This was written a few months ago and left sitting in draft form.  Not sure why I didn't publish it, and it is unfinished...but I really have nothing more to add.  Publishing now!****

Appropriateness is something I think about a lot in my world, and in a lot of different contexts.  If I had to put a rating on my life, it'd would be PG-13 when I'm on my best behavior and X-Rated most of the rest of the time.  Flirting, sexual innuendo, sexual humor...these are the things that amuse me and that I generally fall back on when I'm in casual conversation.  Booze increases the changes of this shit being thrown around, of course.  And even when I'm being appropriate for the surroundings, I'm likely to drop the F-bomb or other curse words indiscriminately.

None of this is a problem for me.  But live in a world surrounded by children and other adults who may (or may not) be offended by me.  Most of the time I don't give a shit.  Especially when it comes to adults.  My general philosophy about adults is that I'm just gonna do me and if someone doesn't like it, thinks it's too much, is offended...whatever...that's not my problem.  I think I'm a pretty awesome friend - once you are in my inner-circle, I'll give whatever I can to be a good friend to you.  I'm loyal as hell and dedicated to those who love me.  So while I think about it with grown ups, it's not often a factor.

Case in point - a few months ago, I hung out with some old friends of mine at a concert.  They had invited me and some of their other friends.  Another couple came - and these are women I have heard of through the lesbian grapevine.  Kelly and I have never really been a part of the network of lesbians in this area.  We came into this area coupled, never spent much time out and haven't really dabbled all that much in the lesbian scene.  This couple is just the opposite.  They are very well known, well-connected women that I have heard about for years.  They are the type of couple whose name gets passed around and dropped.  You see how this is setting up, right?  There comes a point where you hear the same names for so long that they almost take on a "famous" quality.  You build these people up in your mind and, for me, it gets more intimidating.  I generally try not to allow that type of thing - after all, we all shit and fart and love and snort when we laugh.  But still, after years of hearing the names, it's hard not to want to actually get to know the people.

Turns out, they are just normal people.  As suspected, they are just women who have jobs and kids and each other.  They made me laugh, I made them laugh...it was a lovely evening.  As I was driving home, though, after a pretty funny conversation about sex (my favorite topic), I found myself wondering what they thought of me.

Now, an aside here for a minute, I try not to think about what people think of me.  For years, I have tried to be what other people want to me to be.  I try not to rock the boat.  I don't want to disappoint people.  I live in perpetual fear that the social network I have worked so hard to cultivate will just decide I'm not worth knowing anymore and then I'll be alone.  There are a lot of parts of me that recognize that this is just an irrational fear and that, even if my friends all took off, I would still be okay.  So I try not to evaluate if people like me.  But, of course, after meeting new people, I think about it.

So back to my story.  Appropriate.  I was wondering on the way home, what they though of me.  Was I too much?  Was I too loud?  Was I too honest?  Did they leave and think, "Ha...nope...not gonna be friends with her"?