I wonder if you will ever know what it was like to watch you come out of your Mommy's uterus all blue and droopy. Your first warbly, weak cry made my heart stop. Watching them whisk you away to the corner of the room, having to turn to your Mommy unsure of what to say. Listening for every word the doctor said, anticipating trouble and wanting with all my heart to lunge for you, as if my love alone could prevent any problems. Of course, you were okay. They cleared your lungs, warmed you up and monitored you. I got to touch you for the first time when you were all hooked up to all kinds of machines, but I could touch you. You pursed your lips, you squinted your eyes and yelled loudly when the nurse cleaned you.
I knew then the answer to the last remaining question I had. When I felt my heart plummet when I didn't hear the rebel yell at birth, I knew that my love for you would be no less than the love I have for the child I carried in my body. I carried that question with me through your Mommy's entire pregnancy, secretly wondering if love like I had for the child who grew inside of me could be replicated with a child I didn't grow. I worried that, having the comparison, I would feel the difference.
The answer is that I didn't then and I haven't any day since. From the moment I saw you in the OR, I knew you were my son. Your beautiful face burned itself into my heart and you become a part of me. My love for you is limitless in all ways and, if there is a difference, I can't tell what it is.
My sweet, sweet boy...you are the love of my life in so many ways. You are gentle and generous and sensitive. You play hard, but love even harder. You give so much of yourself to those around you, caring what people think and how they respond to you. You are precise in your choice and use of language and you are so damn funny! I love how you make me laugh.
Next week, you start Preschool. You begin the journey of truly moving away from us and into your own life. You will have a part of you that exists without us and you won't share it all. I wish I could go with you. I wish that I could sneak into your backpack and be there to kiss you when it gets hard for you. I feel so protective of you, so scared that something will happen and you'll look for me, but not find me. These things are the irrational fears of parenting and not a reflection on your true abilities, because you are so ready. You have all the tools to go forward and begin blazing your own trail.
Someday, you might read this. If you do, I want you to know that there could never be any other boy for me. You are, since the moment you came into this world, my Prince Charming. I am so happy that I get to be your Momma and that I get to stand by your side or at your back as you take this world and make it your own. I hope that you know that my love for you is as steady as can be, a sure place you can always land. My boy, you are the child of my heart and I couldn't love you more.
Love Always,
Your Momma
Next week, you start Preschool. You begin the journey of truly moving away from us and into your own life. You will have a part of you that exists without us and you won't share it all. I wish I could go with you. I wish that I could sneak into your backpack and be there to kiss you when it gets hard for you. I feel so protective of you, so scared that something will happen and you'll look for me, but not find me. These things are the irrational fears of parenting and not a reflection on your true abilities, because you are so ready. You have all the tools to go forward and begin blazing your own trail.
Someday, you might read this. If you do, I want you to know that there could never be any other boy for me. You are, since the moment you came into this world, my Prince Charming. I am so happy that I get to be your Momma and that I get to stand by your side or at your back as you take this world and make it your own. I hope that you know that my love for you is as steady as can be, a sure place you can always land. My boy, you are the child of my heart and I couldn't love you more.
Love Always,
Your Momma
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