They say the average man thinks about sex about every 7 seconds*. I think that I think about sex at least twice that amount. Honestly, I think about sex all the time.
*You might be surprised to hear that this popular claim actually has not scientific backing, but we're gonna go with it since it illustrates my point perfectly!
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Appropriate
****This was written a few months ago and left sitting in draft form. Not sure why I didn't publish it, and it is unfinished...but I really have nothing more to add. Publishing now!****
Appropriateness is something I think about a lot in my world, and in a lot of different contexts. If I had to put a rating on my life, it'd would be PG-13 when I'm on my best behavior and X-Rated most of the rest of the time. Flirting, sexual innuendo, sexual humor...these are the things that amuse me and that I generally fall back on when I'm in casual conversation. Booze increases the changes of this shit being thrown around, of course. And even when I'm being appropriate for the surroundings, I'm likely to drop the F-bomb or other curse words indiscriminately.
None of this is a problem for me. But live in a world surrounded by children and other adults who may (or may not) be offended by me. Most of the time I don't give a shit. Especially when it comes to adults. My general philosophy about adults is that I'm just gonna do me and if someone doesn't like it, thinks it's too much, is offended...whatever...that's not my problem. I think I'm a pretty awesome friend - once you are in my inner-circle, I'll give whatever I can to be a good friend to you. I'm loyal as hell and dedicated to those who love me. So while I think about it with grown ups, it's not often a factor.
Case in point - a few months ago, I hung out with some old friends of mine at a concert. They had invited me and some of their other friends. Another couple came - and these are women I have heard of through the lesbian grapevine. Kelly and I have never really been a part of the network of lesbians in this area. We came into this area coupled, never spent much time out and haven't really dabbled all that much in the lesbian scene. This couple is just the opposite. They are very well known, well-connected women that I have heard about for years. They are the type of couple whose name gets passed around and dropped. You see how this is setting up, right? There comes a point where you hear the same names for so long that they almost take on a "famous" quality. You build these people up in your mind and, for me, it gets more intimidating. I generally try not to allow that type of thing - after all, we all shit and fart and love and snort when we laugh. But still, after years of hearing the names, it's hard not to want to actually get to know the people.
Turns out, they are just normal people. As suspected, they are just women who have jobs and kids and each other. They made me laugh, I made them laugh...it was a lovely evening. As I was driving home, though, after a pretty funny conversation about sex (my favorite topic), I found myself wondering what they thought of me.
Now, an aside here for a minute, I try not to think about what people think of me. For years, I have tried to be what other people want to me to be. I try not to rock the boat. I don't want to disappoint people. I live in perpetual fear that the social network I have worked so hard to cultivate will just decide I'm not worth knowing anymore and then I'll be alone. There are a lot of parts of me that recognize that this is just an irrational fear and that, even if my friends all took off, I would still be okay. So I try not to evaluate if people like me. But, of course, after meeting new people, I think about it.
So back to my story. Appropriate. I was wondering on the way home, what they though of me. Was I too much? Was I too loud? Was I too honest? Did they leave and think, "Ha...nope...not gonna be friends with her"?
Appropriateness is something I think about a lot in my world, and in a lot of different contexts. If I had to put a rating on my life, it'd would be PG-13 when I'm on my best behavior and X-Rated most of the rest of the time. Flirting, sexual innuendo, sexual humor...these are the things that amuse me and that I generally fall back on when I'm in casual conversation. Booze increases the changes of this shit being thrown around, of course. And even when I'm being appropriate for the surroundings, I'm likely to drop the F-bomb or other curse words indiscriminately.
None of this is a problem for me. But live in a world surrounded by children and other adults who may (or may not) be offended by me. Most of the time I don't give a shit. Especially when it comes to adults. My general philosophy about adults is that I'm just gonna do me and if someone doesn't like it, thinks it's too much, is offended...whatever...that's not my problem. I think I'm a pretty awesome friend - once you are in my inner-circle, I'll give whatever I can to be a good friend to you. I'm loyal as hell and dedicated to those who love me. So while I think about it with grown ups, it's not often a factor.
Case in point - a few months ago, I hung out with some old friends of mine at a concert. They had invited me and some of their other friends. Another couple came - and these are women I have heard of through the lesbian grapevine. Kelly and I have never really been a part of the network of lesbians in this area. We came into this area coupled, never spent much time out and haven't really dabbled all that much in the lesbian scene. This couple is just the opposite. They are very well known, well-connected women that I have heard about for years. They are the type of couple whose name gets passed around and dropped. You see how this is setting up, right? There comes a point where you hear the same names for so long that they almost take on a "famous" quality. You build these people up in your mind and, for me, it gets more intimidating. I generally try not to allow that type of thing - after all, we all shit and fart and love and snort when we laugh. But still, after years of hearing the names, it's hard not to want to actually get to know the people.
Turns out, they are just normal people. As suspected, they are just women who have jobs and kids and each other. They made me laugh, I made them laugh...it was a lovely evening. As I was driving home, though, after a pretty funny conversation about sex (my favorite topic), I found myself wondering what they thought of me.
Now, an aside here for a minute, I try not to think about what people think of me. For years, I have tried to be what other people want to me to be. I try not to rock the boat. I don't want to disappoint people. I live in perpetual fear that the social network I have worked so hard to cultivate will just decide I'm not worth knowing anymore and then I'll be alone. There are a lot of parts of me that recognize that this is just an irrational fear and that, even if my friends all took off, I would still be okay. So I try not to evaluate if people like me. But, of course, after meeting new people, I think about it.
So back to my story. Appropriate. I was wondering on the way home, what they though of me. Was I too much? Was I too loud? Was I too honest? Did they leave and think, "Ha...nope...not gonna be friends with her"?
Saturday, September 21, 2013
School Volunteer of the Year
Not that I'm going for that title or anything...but I will say that I get some serious satisfaction from volunteering at our kids' school.
This week, I went in on Friday for the annual Volunteer Orientation. Everyone else there was wearing a "visitors" badge while I had a "volunteer" badge on. I got that because I showed up a half hour early to start work on Bailey's teacher's Friday Folders. Friday Folders include any papers/flyers/fundraisers sent to the teacher from the office along with every bit of work done during the week and last week's homework packages. The job is simple - first alphabetize all the papers, then the folders. Then stuff. Each kid gets one of each paper from the office and then all of their work. Put neatly into the kid's folder and you're done. Simple.
And it's an hour of my day that I get to focus on a job with a beginning and an end. I get to start, and finish, something. I get to organize, alphabetize and - if I'm being honest - check out my kid's handwriting/work/etc again those of her classmates. I love the job! LOVE IT!
But I think I'm going to give it up. Another mom in Bailey's class showed up to the volunteer orientation. She seemed a bit frustrated by the fact that I've been doing Friday Folders for 4 weeks now - every week of school. I emailed Bailey's teacher the first day of school to check in about Bailey and to offer whatever help I could provide. The early bird and all that.
She really seemed to like the idea of a small, easily-accomplished job that has such a high impact on the teacher's ability to teach. So I'm going to give it to her and let her make it her regular thing.
In exchange, I've signed up to be a Reading Buddy. Once a week, I'll head into the school for an hour and a half and give my time to the reading resource teacher. I assume that I'll be reading with students or listening to them read...but who knows? It's her time to use me as she needs and as will help her most. I don't care what I do - the point is to be helpful.
I'm also going to let Bailey's teacher know that I am free to do whatever else she needs. Copies? Cut outs? Project prep? Whatever.
In addition, there is a series of bins that get left in the volunteer "pit". If, say, a 4th grade teacher needs 75 copies, she can leave it there. I'm going to try to make this work this year and provide a resource to any teacher than needs a helping hand. Every Friday from 9:30 - 11:45, I'm free. My reading day will be a different day.
Finally, there is Connor's class. Working with a Pre-K classroom is different. It requires the same style of skills that I use in my regular parenting duties. As such, it seems like much more work to me than working solo on a basic administrative project that has a defined start and beginning. But it's rewarding in its own way. I'd like to set up a regular day (Jen, Jo...are you reading this??) where I go in and help with the tasks. Reading and singing to the kids, herding them back to their seats, handing out snacks, assisting in coloring...whatever. I'm down.
My goal is to give 3 days a week - at least 8 hours a week - to the school. It's kind of perfect. I would by lying if I said that there isn't a selfish element to all of this. Working in a school (not as a teacher, but on the Admin side) is actually a perfect next paid job for me. I network, make contacts, learn the stuff that I can be most helpful with. This week, I made personal contact with the school vice principle and she asked me if I would be willing to help her out. My answer was, ABSOLUTELY YES! I want the contact. If a secretary job opens up, I'd like for her to think of me. Or to be pleasantly surprised when she sees my application in front of her in a couple of years. It's all toward an end.
But also, there is a moral thing about it that really works with who I am. I truly believe that we have to give, give, give. Everywhere we see need, give. Evaluate our strengths, be brave enough to step forward and say yes when the call for help comes. It gives me immense personal satisfaction to provide real service to the people and place that is educating my children. I am so grateful that they are doing a job that I would not be good at and would never, ever choose to do.
The other thing about that I love is that I'm working without getting paid. I gotta say, people, that nothing fills my soul up than doing a job for free. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. The absolute cornerstone of everything I believe in starts with the idea that we all give what we have to give without expectation of reward or return. If everyone did that, this world would be so amazing. Because many people don't do this is no excuse for me not to. In other areas of my life, I think I get taken advantage of. But I really don't care. I honestly don't. I always feel like the people who take advantage of me must have real need if they can square being that type of person. Maybe they are without morals or whatever...but I don't care. Their motivation is not what I'm concerned with.
What I do care about is every time I walk away with a smile larger than the one I brought. I care about the grateful, peaceful looks that I get when I complete a task that someone else was dreading or didn't have time to do. It fills me up to be useful and to have made someone else's day better.
I'd love the recognition at the end of the year. That stuff makes me happy too. But if I walk away having done nothing more than make a teacher's day easier, I'm good.
This week, I went in on Friday for the annual Volunteer Orientation. Everyone else there was wearing a "visitors" badge while I had a "volunteer" badge on. I got that because I showed up a half hour early to start work on Bailey's teacher's Friday Folders. Friday Folders include any papers/flyers/fundraisers sent to the teacher from the office along with every bit of work done during the week and last week's homework packages. The job is simple - first alphabetize all the papers, then the folders. Then stuff. Each kid gets one of each paper from the office and then all of their work. Put neatly into the kid's folder and you're done. Simple.
And it's an hour of my day that I get to focus on a job with a beginning and an end. I get to start, and finish, something. I get to organize, alphabetize and - if I'm being honest - check out my kid's handwriting/work/etc again those of her classmates. I love the job! LOVE IT!
But I think I'm going to give it up. Another mom in Bailey's class showed up to the volunteer orientation. She seemed a bit frustrated by the fact that I've been doing Friday Folders for 4 weeks now - every week of school. I emailed Bailey's teacher the first day of school to check in about Bailey and to offer whatever help I could provide. The early bird and all that.
She really seemed to like the idea of a small, easily-accomplished job that has such a high impact on the teacher's ability to teach. So I'm going to give it to her and let her make it her regular thing.
In exchange, I've signed up to be a Reading Buddy. Once a week, I'll head into the school for an hour and a half and give my time to the reading resource teacher. I assume that I'll be reading with students or listening to them read...but who knows? It's her time to use me as she needs and as will help her most. I don't care what I do - the point is to be helpful.
I'm also going to let Bailey's teacher know that I am free to do whatever else she needs. Copies? Cut outs? Project prep? Whatever.
In addition, there is a series of bins that get left in the volunteer "pit". If, say, a 4th grade teacher needs 75 copies, she can leave it there. I'm going to try to make this work this year and provide a resource to any teacher than needs a helping hand. Every Friday from 9:30 - 11:45, I'm free. My reading day will be a different day.
Finally, there is Connor's class. Working with a Pre-K classroom is different. It requires the same style of skills that I use in my regular parenting duties. As such, it seems like much more work to me than working solo on a basic administrative project that has a defined start and beginning. But it's rewarding in its own way. I'd like to set up a regular day (Jen, Jo...are you reading this??) where I go in and help with the tasks. Reading and singing to the kids, herding them back to their seats, handing out snacks, assisting in coloring...whatever. I'm down.
My goal is to give 3 days a week - at least 8 hours a week - to the school. It's kind of perfect. I would by lying if I said that there isn't a selfish element to all of this. Working in a school (not as a teacher, but on the Admin side) is actually a perfect next paid job for me. I network, make contacts, learn the stuff that I can be most helpful with. This week, I made personal contact with the school vice principle and she asked me if I would be willing to help her out. My answer was, ABSOLUTELY YES! I want the contact. If a secretary job opens up, I'd like for her to think of me. Or to be pleasantly surprised when she sees my application in front of her in a couple of years. It's all toward an end.
But also, there is a moral thing about it that really works with who I am. I truly believe that we have to give, give, give. Everywhere we see need, give. Evaluate our strengths, be brave enough to step forward and say yes when the call for help comes. It gives me immense personal satisfaction to provide real service to the people and place that is educating my children. I am so grateful that they are doing a job that I would not be good at and would never, ever choose to do.
The other thing about that I love is that I'm working without getting paid. I gotta say, people, that nothing fills my soul up than doing a job for free. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. The absolute cornerstone of everything I believe in starts with the idea that we all give what we have to give without expectation of reward or return. If everyone did that, this world would be so amazing. Because many people don't do this is no excuse for me not to. In other areas of my life, I think I get taken advantage of. But I really don't care. I honestly don't. I always feel like the people who take advantage of me must have real need if they can square being that type of person. Maybe they are without morals or whatever...but I don't care. Their motivation is not what I'm concerned with.
What I do care about is every time I walk away with a smile larger than the one I brought. I care about the grateful, peaceful looks that I get when I complete a task that someone else was dreading or didn't have time to do. It fills me up to be useful and to have made someone else's day better.
I'd love the recognition at the end of the year. That stuff makes me happy too. But if I walk away having done nothing more than make a teacher's day easier, I'm good.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Back Then
Most of the time, when I lament our choice to have children, I think about how stupid I was not enjoy the time before kids.
I was 28 when Bailey was born. Her birthday is 8 day after my birthday, so I spent most of my 27th year pregnant. So from 1997 when I graduated high school and started my adult journey until I was 27 in 2006, I had all the time and sleep I could ever need. I had the space to balance the competing demands in my life - school, money and working, falling in love, partying, being a friend - these things had room to exist and I had the energy to balance it all without too much drama.
And the whole entire time, I was aching for the life that I have now. It all had a purpose then - it was toward this. A suburban home with Kelly, two or three children (we called them Gabe and Maddie back then), a dog at some point. The details were not defined, of course. I had no idea what I would be doing or any of that. From almost the beginning, though, we knew that Kelly would work in Accounting and that she would always work. We tossed around other ideas through the years (business schools after college, law school or something like that), but in the end, it was pretty obvious that Kelly wanted to just start working and making her career. What I was going to be and do was still very much in flux.
Anyway - got sidetracked. Back then, Kelly used to get up at 8ish on the weekends. I'd have been up for hours, cleaning and grocery shopping. We'd eat breakfast and go out on adventures. Shopping, hiking, looking at model homes. We'd grab Starbucks and spend an afternoon bouncing around furniture stores, planning the rooms in our someday home. Or another favorite was to pick a topic and then go explore bookstores until we found the book that we thought best represented us in regards to that topic. We ended up with these crazy awesome books and we'd read them together.
And the whole time, I was always focused on getting to these years.
Now, I don't necessarily think that's the wrong thing for me to have done then. It's just what I did. No judgement. But my current self wants to go back and throttle that 20-something version of me. I'd tell her to slow the fuck down, breathe a bit more, give a shit about the image a bit less. I'd make her spend entire days just relishing the freedom and not thinking about the future. I'd make her have more fun - to truly live. I'd spend more money on travelling and I'd wait just a few more years to buy a home and start it all.
I don't think the path Kelly and I have followed is bad. Far from that. I love our life, I'm proud of what we've created together. I wouldn't change it, really, if I ever had the opportunity. I'd never change Bailey and Connor.
I just have more information now than I had then and the simple ease of life back then looks really fucking good.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Fall Cooking
This is the time of year that I remember how much I love my kitchen and all the fall fruits and veggies that I have to cook with. It's when my cravings are for heavier foods - stews, beef, pork with cabbage, anything with apples, carrots, sweet potatoes or squash. Mmmm...just thinking about it makes me hungry! So I thought I would share with you my menu for the week because...well...it's what I'm thinking about!
Today, I'm making a pot roast with onions, carrots, and sweet potatoes. It's in the oven, slowly cooking in our dutch oven on 275 degrees. My house smells divine! This will be for lunch today. Dinner, if we are still hungry after such a rich lunch, will be chef's salads made with boiled eggs (done this morning) and diced chicken with a light seasoning. I'll cook this in a little bit. I like avocados on mine. And grapes. A homemade balsamic vinegrette finishes this meal-style salad nicely. Combine it with some fresh pineapple or cantaloupe and you've got a great evening meal!
I've been running low on homemade chicken stock (I use it almost exclusively to the pre-made crap...I hate salt), so Monday, I'll bake a chicken. In our dutch oven, baking a chicken is a quick and easy way to get some great meat and to end up with plenty of bones, skin and leftover meat to make a great chicken stock. Dinner tomorrow will be baked chicken with roast cauliflower and green beans. I'll also make some steamed acorn squash that I'll mash up with a touch of clarified butter and nutmeg. The leftovers will spend the entire day on Wednesday simmering slowly in my crock pot. The resulting stock will be strained and then put into freezer bags (once it's cool) in 1 cup portions. I always have fresh chicken stock to use this way!
Tuesday and Wednesday are crazy nights in our house. We all have to be out of the house by 6 PM for events on Tuesday night and Bailey has another thing on Wednesday night at 6 PM. I am making a thick, rich beef stew on Monday to cover Tuesday night's dinner. I use carrots, onions, green beans and quartered new, white potatoes. The white potatoes are not pure Whole30, but they are such a lovely addition to the stew. We keep them to a minimum. My beef stew is made with a vegetable juice based beef broth. I use a lower sodium beef stock generally, but I need to make a homemade beef stock soon. I triple the meat in the recipe and it works for a dinner and lunch the next day. Making it a day in advance means I don't have to cook on Tuesday, but also the stew is better when it's marinated overnight. The flavors are so much better.
Wednesday is my "easy food" night. I'm making homemade turkey burgers and coupling it with homemade sweet potato fries and fruit. This will be an eat-when-you're-ready kind of night. I pile my turkey burgers high with avocado and fresh salsa and skip the bun. Fresh sliced tomatoes and a tiny bit of mustard make this an extremely filling, but satisfying meal.
Thursday, I'm branching out. I'll make homemade carnitas in my crock pot using a pork tenderloin. This will be included on top of cauliflower tortillas (cauliflower that is drained and mixed with eggs and then fried...a Whole30 approved way of eating a tortilla). I'll also make a pepper and onion mixture. Fresh mango salsa, avocado and fresh tomatoes complete this meal. I will serve it with a side of homemade applesauce (which I'm making today).
Friday is leftover day! Take something from the fridge that is left over. Whatever is left is fair game. This is an easy cooking night for me - I like to use only my microwave. Of course, there will be chef's salad fixins' or I could make a simple veggie and sausage omelet with sweet potato hash browns. It kind of depends on what is leftover.
So that's my week in cooking. How do you plan your meals? Do you plan them?
Today, I'm making a pot roast with onions, carrots, and sweet potatoes. It's in the oven, slowly cooking in our dutch oven on 275 degrees. My house smells divine! This will be for lunch today. Dinner, if we are still hungry after such a rich lunch, will be chef's salads made with boiled eggs (done this morning) and diced chicken with a light seasoning. I'll cook this in a little bit. I like avocados on mine. And grapes. A homemade balsamic vinegrette finishes this meal-style salad nicely. Combine it with some fresh pineapple or cantaloupe and you've got a great evening meal!
I've been running low on homemade chicken stock (I use it almost exclusively to the pre-made crap...I hate salt), so Monday, I'll bake a chicken. In our dutch oven, baking a chicken is a quick and easy way to get some great meat and to end up with plenty of bones, skin and leftover meat to make a great chicken stock. Dinner tomorrow will be baked chicken with roast cauliflower and green beans. I'll also make some steamed acorn squash that I'll mash up with a touch of clarified butter and nutmeg. The leftovers will spend the entire day on Wednesday simmering slowly in my crock pot. The resulting stock will be strained and then put into freezer bags (once it's cool) in 1 cup portions. I always have fresh chicken stock to use this way!
Tuesday and Wednesday are crazy nights in our house. We all have to be out of the house by 6 PM for events on Tuesday night and Bailey has another thing on Wednesday night at 6 PM. I am making a thick, rich beef stew on Monday to cover Tuesday night's dinner. I use carrots, onions, green beans and quartered new, white potatoes. The white potatoes are not pure Whole30, but they are such a lovely addition to the stew. We keep them to a minimum. My beef stew is made with a vegetable juice based beef broth. I use a lower sodium beef stock generally, but I need to make a homemade beef stock soon. I triple the meat in the recipe and it works for a dinner and lunch the next day. Making it a day in advance means I don't have to cook on Tuesday, but also the stew is better when it's marinated overnight. The flavors are so much better.
Wednesday is my "easy food" night. I'm making homemade turkey burgers and coupling it with homemade sweet potato fries and fruit. This will be an eat-when-you're-ready kind of night. I pile my turkey burgers high with avocado and fresh salsa and skip the bun. Fresh sliced tomatoes and a tiny bit of mustard make this an extremely filling, but satisfying meal.
Thursday, I'm branching out. I'll make homemade carnitas in my crock pot using a pork tenderloin. This will be included on top of cauliflower tortillas (cauliflower that is drained and mixed with eggs and then fried...a Whole30 approved way of eating a tortilla). I'll also make a pepper and onion mixture. Fresh mango salsa, avocado and fresh tomatoes complete this meal. I will serve it with a side of homemade applesauce (which I'm making today).
Friday is leftover day! Take something from the fridge that is left over. Whatever is left is fair game. This is an easy cooking night for me - I like to use only my microwave. Of course, there will be chef's salad fixins' or I could make a simple veggie and sausage omelet with sweet potato hash browns. It kind of depends on what is leftover.
So that's my week in cooking. How do you plan your meals? Do you plan them?
Saturday, September 14, 2013
My Personality
I saw this thing that tells you what Harry Potter character you are based on your personality type. My type (as determined by 4 different tests over the years...one of which was actually done the right way) is ESFJ. According to the online tests, my preference for "sensing (s)" over "intuition (n)" is very, very slight. It was only 1% in one of the tests I took. So, in theory, I spend much of my time in the ENFJ category. The others had very, very clear preferences. In fact, my preference for Extrovert over Introvert was 100%! LOL
Anyway, I thought the write up was interesting. I've included it below, because it really does read like a "Mikki 101" primer. I got this from www.personalitypage.com.
The Caregiver
As an ESFJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.
ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They are extremely good at reading others, and understanding their point of view. The ESFJ's strong desire to be liked and for everything to be pleasant makes them highly supportive of others. People like to be around ESFJs, because the ESFJ has a special gift of invariably making people feel good about themselves.
The ESFJ takes their responsibilities very seriously, and is very dependable. They value security and stability, and have a strong focus on the details of life. They see before others do what needs to be done, and do whatever it takes to make sure that it gets done. They enjoy these types of tasks, and are extremely good at them.
ESFJs are warm and energetic. They need approval from others to feel good about themselves. They are hurt by indifference and don't understand unkindness. They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others. They want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give. They're very sensitive to others, and freely give practical care. ESFJs are such caring individuals, that they sometimes have a hard time seeing or accepting a difficult truth about someone they care about.
With Extraverted Feeling dominating their personality, ESFJs are focused on reading other people. They have a strong need to be liked, and to be in control. They are extremely good at reading others, and often change their own manner to be more pleasing to whoever they're with at the moment.
The ESFJ's value system is defined externally. They usually have very well-formed ideas about the way things should be, and are not shy about expressing these opinions. However, they weigh their values and morals against the world around them, rather than against an internal value system. They may have a strong moral code, but it is defined by the community that they live in, rather than by any strongly felt internal values.
ESFJs who have had the benefit of being raised and surrounded by a strong value system that is ethical and centered around genuine goodness will most likely be the kindest, most generous souls who will gladly give you the shirt off of their back without a second thought. For these individuals, the selfless quality of their personality type is genuine and pure. ESFJs who have not had the advantage of developing their own values by weighing them against a good external value system may develop very questionable values. In such cases, the ESFJ most often genuinely believes in the integrity of their skewed value system. They have no internal understanding of values to set them straight. In weighing their values against our society, they find plenty of support for whatever moral transgression they wish to justify. This type of ESFJ is a dangerous person indeed. Extraverted Feeling drives them to control and manipulate, and their lack of Intuition prevents them from seeing the big picture. They're usually quite popular and good with people, and good at manipulating them. Unlike their ENFJ cousin, they don't have Intuition to help them understand the real consequences of their actions. They are driven to manipulate other to achieve their own ends, yet they believe that they are following a solid moral code of conduct.
All ESFJs have a natural tendency to want to control their environment. Their dominant function demands structure and organization, and seeks closure. ESFJs are most comfortable with structured environments. They're not likely to enjoy having to do things which involve abstract, theoretical concepts, or impersonal analysis. They do enjoy creating order and structure, and are very good at tasks which require these kinds of skills. ESFJs should be careful about controling people in their lives who do not wish to be controlled.
ESFJs respect and believe in the laws and rules of authority, and believe that others should do so as well. They're traditional, and prefer to do things in the established way, rather than venturing into unchartered territory. Their need for security drives their ready acceptance and adherence to the policies of the established system. This tendency may cause them to sometimes blindly accept rules without questioning or understanding them.
An ESFJ who has developed in a less than ideal way may be prone to being quite insecure, and focus all of their attention on pleasing others. He or she might also be very controling, or overly sensitive, imagining bad intentions when there weren't any.
ESFJs incorporate many of the traits that are associated with women in our society. However, male ESFJs will usually not appear feminine at all. On the contrary, ESFJs are typically quite conscious about gender roles and will be most comfortable playing a role that suits their gender in our society. Male ESFJs will be quite masculine (albeit sensitive when you get to know them), and female ESFJs will be very feminine.
ESFJs at their best are warm, sympathetic, helpful, cooperative, tactful, down-to-earth, practical, thorough, consistent, organized, enthusiastic, and energetic. They enjoy tradition and security, and will seek stable lives that are rich in contact with friends and family.
Anyway, I thought the write up was interesting. I've included it below, because it really does read like a "Mikki 101" primer. I got this from www.personalitypage.com.
The Caregiver
As an ESFJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.
ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They are extremely good at reading others, and understanding their point of view. The ESFJ's strong desire to be liked and for everything to be pleasant makes them highly supportive of others. People like to be around ESFJs, because the ESFJ has a special gift of invariably making people feel good about themselves.
The ESFJ takes their responsibilities very seriously, and is very dependable. They value security and stability, and have a strong focus on the details of life. They see before others do what needs to be done, and do whatever it takes to make sure that it gets done. They enjoy these types of tasks, and are extremely good at them.
ESFJs are warm and energetic. They need approval from others to feel good about themselves. They are hurt by indifference and don't understand unkindness. They are very giving people, who get a lot of their personal satisfaction from the happiness of others. They want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give. They're very sensitive to others, and freely give practical care. ESFJs are such caring individuals, that they sometimes have a hard time seeing or accepting a difficult truth about someone they care about.
With Extraverted Feeling dominating their personality, ESFJs are focused on reading other people. They have a strong need to be liked, and to be in control. They are extremely good at reading others, and often change their own manner to be more pleasing to whoever they're with at the moment.
The ESFJ's value system is defined externally. They usually have very well-formed ideas about the way things should be, and are not shy about expressing these opinions. However, they weigh their values and morals against the world around them, rather than against an internal value system. They may have a strong moral code, but it is defined by the community that they live in, rather than by any strongly felt internal values.
ESFJs who have had the benefit of being raised and surrounded by a strong value system that is ethical and centered around genuine goodness will most likely be the kindest, most generous souls who will gladly give you the shirt off of their back without a second thought. For these individuals, the selfless quality of their personality type is genuine and pure. ESFJs who have not had the advantage of developing their own values by weighing them against a good external value system may develop very questionable values. In such cases, the ESFJ most often genuinely believes in the integrity of their skewed value system. They have no internal understanding of values to set them straight. In weighing their values against our society, they find plenty of support for whatever moral transgression they wish to justify. This type of ESFJ is a dangerous person indeed. Extraverted Feeling drives them to control and manipulate, and their lack of Intuition prevents them from seeing the big picture. They're usually quite popular and good with people, and good at manipulating them. Unlike their ENFJ cousin, they don't have Intuition to help them understand the real consequences of their actions. They are driven to manipulate other to achieve their own ends, yet they believe that they are following a solid moral code of conduct.
All ESFJs have a natural tendency to want to control their environment. Their dominant function demands structure and organization, and seeks closure. ESFJs are most comfortable with structured environments. They're not likely to enjoy having to do things which involve abstract, theoretical concepts, or impersonal analysis. They do enjoy creating order and structure, and are very good at tasks which require these kinds of skills. ESFJs should be careful about controling people in their lives who do not wish to be controlled.
ESFJs respect and believe in the laws and rules of authority, and believe that others should do so as well. They're traditional, and prefer to do things in the established way, rather than venturing into unchartered territory. Their need for security drives their ready acceptance and adherence to the policies of the established system. This tendency may cause them to sometimes blindly accept rules without questioning or understanding them.
An ESFJ who has developed in a less than ideal way may be prone to being quite insecure, and focus all of their attention on pleasing others. He or she might also be very controling, or overly sensitive, imagining bad intentions when there weren't any.
ESFJs incorporate many of the traits that are associated with women in our society. However, male ESFJs will usually not appear feminine at all. On the contrary, ESFJs are typically quite conscious about gender roles and will be most comfortable playing a role that suits their gender in our society. Male ESFJs will be quite masculine (albeit sensitive when you get to know them), and female ESFJs will be very feminine.
ESFJs at their best are warm, sympathetic, helpful, cooperative, tactful, down-to-earth, practical, thorough, consistent, organized, enthusiastic, and energetic. They enjoy tradition and security, and will seek stable lives that are rich in contact with friends and family.
When My Love is Sick
Illness is not something I deal with personally very often. I just don't get sick very much. Sometimes I get run down - I do too much and sleep too little and eat like shit and then the combo kicks my ass. But even that is rare. I'm just not sick very often. Bailey's like me. She doesn't get sick. Or, rather, she gets sick very, very rarely and springs back within 2 days.
Kelly and Connor, though. They are different. They pick up random crud everywhere and it always effects them for days.
This past Thursday, Kelly had the completely horrid experience of passing a kidney stone. While this isn't something she "just picked up", it has led to multiple days of recovery.
It breaks my heart. I hate it when she is not feeling well. I hate it when I know she is hurting. I hate it when I know that she feels guilty for needing to take it easy and I hate it that our lives cannot slow down much and allow her to rest without guilt. I hate that, despite my attempts, the quality of life we have goes down when our efforts are reduced to just me and not us as a team.
It's a Momma-bear effect, but for my wife. I get protective of her in a way that I'm not in our normal existence. I want to protect her from pain - all versions of it. I guess that's what makes me a good wife. Or at least, one of the reasons.
Today, I'm grocery shopping. Bailey has a concert. I'm cleaning the house. And I'm constantly focused on Kelly and what she needs. I want to give her what she needs to feel better. I want her better...not only because I don't want for her to feel pain, guilt or frustration. I want her better because I miss my best teammate.
I love you, Kelly. When you read this, know that I'm loving you while you're sleeping. I'm loving you while you're sick. I'm loving you, even when you feel like you're not "pulling your weight" or when you're worried that I'm too stressed out. I'm right here. I'll take care of you until you feel better, until you're healed...forever.
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